Yesterday morning, as my husband was getting ready for work, he looks at me and says, “Are you OK?” I shake my head no. I was understandably tired. Two hours of sleep is never enough…especially after a weekend of intense exercise. But, flight delays are part of air travel, and not much you can do about that. Life goes on. I would be OK, but I needed to wake myself up and get out of my exhausted funk.
Lack of sleep is as brutal on the mind as it is on the body. Simple decisions like what to wear seem to take longer than usual. Rushing my way out the door, I see my phone blinking. I was late as-is and I just wasn’t in the mood or in any mood to be responding to my husband’s texts. After class, I’d feel better. I knew it. I always do. He’d understand.
I was right and wrong. Two hours later, I felt better. He did not. I opened my phone to the words “Fuck off” and a stream of angry text messages accusing me of incredulous activity and flaws.
Looking over at my husband at lunch today, I said, “Can I ask you a question?” With clear eyes, he nodded for me to continue. “Do you not want me to do this show?” Of course, I knew the answer. But, I needed him to say it. He nodded and paused, “I don’t want to be the blame for you not doing it.” I know, I get it. “But…it will cause you a lot of stress and anxiety, right?” He nodded and I saw the pain in his eyes as he imagined me being taken away by men I have zero attraction to.
It doesn’t matter if it’s ludicrous; if it’s real to him…it’s real to him and it’s real to our marriage.
Yesterday afternoon was horrendous. From not answering a text, I became the target of all sorts of criticism…that had nothing to do with anything real or anything that had transpired.
These are text messages you would not expect from your worst enemy, but this is what happens when he goes dark. And, when he does, I have to access a deeper level.
When I’m prepping for a contest, I simply cannot. So, I will not. My clients nod in acceptance. They know…I am not operating unilaterally. I am in a marriage where my husband’s needs are as important as mine. I choose this. I own this. It’s not my time for stage. I want to enjoy his good days for as many as there are. He’s my husband. My one and only husband. And I love him so much. So, I understand when he says…
I need you to love me a little louder today.”