Last night, he had bad dreams. Hard to sleep. He is already feeling the effects of cancer…weakness, fatigue, extreme temperature changes, dizziness, and recently, nausea and nose bleeds. So, today, when he went in, his doctors acknowledged this and took 12 vials of blood. Ouch. Then, when they started rattling off the potential side-effects of chemo, he had the wherewithal to tell them to stop. Not helpful. Or, as Michael would say…
If I start to feel really bad, I’m gonna assume it’s from the f’n chemo.
But…the truth is, last night, he was wavering. And, I imagine a lot of people do. It’s expensive, it’s destructive…and it’s freakin’ scary. So, we had a moment…before he left for work this morning. I hugged him and hoped for the best…his best…that he would love himself enough to do this. I was thrilled to read my text after BodyPump…that he was on his way.
But, this is the text that I will save forever. You couldn’t write a better love poem (in my personal opinion):
Up until 6 months ago, I wanted to let my cancer kill me. I would literally think of each day, as another day closer to ending all the pain in my life. Because of you & Desi, I want as many days in my life as I can get, and I want every one of them to be with you. I’ve never told you directly, but, once I beat this, it will be because of you, baby. You are saving my life, and for that, I thank you. In Italian culture, if your life is saved, then you are in debt to that person forever. So, you are stuck with me forever. I’m sorry about that, but those are the rules, and they can not be broken. I love you.