When he asked me where I wanted to go on Mother’s Day, I didn’t even think about it. (btw, those are always the best decisions…) I blurted out, Mon Ami Gabi. It was symbolic to me. Symbolic of what “Sarah liked”. Something I often saved for my business trips to Tokyo where I could make my own decisions…and be more…myself.
As I sublimated all of my desires to fulfill his, I stopped living my own life. And what became evident is marriage is a long time to be away from myself.” ~Nancy Levin
When I left my house the day after Thanksgiving, it was the ballsiest thing I had ever done…but, I had no thought, expectation, or mind space for romantic love. (Boy, was I in for a surprise…) That weekend, as my Facebook page, my cell phone, my email blew up, my stomach turned into knots and I became scared to leave my hotel room…in fear of being tipped off. When you are in hiding, this is your biggest fear. So, I silenced my phone and ordered room service…and arranged a flight to Vegas for my brother. I still had to monitor my phone for work-related emails, though, so I noticed when this one came in…from Michael Battaglia:
“Hey, I saw some crazy sht on Facebook. Just let me know you’re OK. I will keep messaging you until you do…because you are the coolest chick I know in Vegas.”
I met Michael in 2010…we were walking into Gold’s and he was talking my ear off…but he was extremely entertaining. The problem was I was short on time (as I often am…) so I told him to follow me…the strange thing was he did. He followed me back and forth in the Group Exercise room as I set up for BodyPump. I have no idea what we talked about, but it was undoubtedly amusing. He ended up with my email address and so, our friendship began. He was always my “I wonder if?” guy. But, it was never the right time. One of us…mostly me…was always in a relationship.
He would occasionally email me with a business idea. From food truck to mattress shop…in a gym (wtf?!), there was always something “this chick from Wharton” could help him with. Every time I saw him, I left in tears…tears of laughter…except the time he told me about his cancer. It was last July. I was warming up on the treadmill waiting for my trainer. During the most difficult show prep (the postpartum one), I flagged him over, thinking laughter would be helpful. Instead, I found myself fighting back tears of another sort…really fighting them back because I felt strongly he didn’t need my pity…he needed my strength.
So, when he texted me last November, I responded…because I knew he was safe…in that he had 100% allegiance to me. We found it ironic that his workplace was across the street from where I was staying (but isn’t that how the Universe works?) He came over with a meatloaf and Rico…a meatloaf because he is ever concerned with my protein intake and a monkey stuffed animal his son loved as a baby. As he left, he noticed the sweet gym downstairs. He knew I must be dying to work out…and that became date #2…him watching Desi while mama did some cardio.
December 23, 2014 at Mon Ami Gabi dining (alone) with Desiree
Dream Big. Desire More.