The only thing that kept me from committing suicide was the thought of the pain I would put my family through. So, when I was eventually diagnosed with cancer in 2010, I had a different reaction than most…I was relieved. I felt like the Universe had given me an escape with this divine Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card.”
I found this post-it note attached to this picture of him with his son. He had assured me that everything was out of our condo, but he isn’t always reliable in that department. I found a carload of things we needed to keep…and this.
I re-read his scribble and searched the picture, trying to detect the sentiment in his eyes. His eyes did look sad…as I had noticed in many of his pictures from this period, but my version of sadness and his obviously differed. Wanting to live is a feeling most of us wake up with everyday, take for granted, and assume in others…even on the very worst days.
So, imagine how dark the darkness must be, how hopeless the hopelessness must feel to get to that point…I shuddered to think. What has happened to so many of our men and boys….to make them feel so depressed about this world and this life?
I figured I’d just let the cancer take me…”
In his words, there are lessons for all of us.
Self-esteem can be as changeable as the weather. Just as life happens, circumstances change, and our perspective about ourselves tend to change. We show up late to a meeting and feel bad, we get a promotion and feel amazing, someone criticizes us and we feel bad, we look in the dressing room mirror and feel gorgeous…then, we glance in the mirror after a big meal or a sleepless night and feel…otherwise.
Self-esteem is the roller coaster that self-worth should never be. Self-worth is what lifts our self-esteem when our ego tempts us down into the dungeon of “I suck”, “I’ll never get it”, “I’m…hopeless, bad, fat, ugly, stupid, [insert your words here].” Without a strong sense of self-worth, though, we can get locked down in that dungeon.
Your higher self knows none of this. Your higher self sees “you”. The “you” who is doing your best at life. This is your fountain of self-worth and the most important relationship you have in your life. For, until you love yourself, you will never be able to give and receive love freely with others. There will always be a price to pay, a test to pass, a skill to prove, a deep-seated fear that cries,
I am not worthy.”
Worthiness is a state of mind. Your right state of mind. Anything else is delusion, misunderstanding, and true insanity. When we disconnect from who we are and fail to see our value, we become depressed, repressed, and lost. Lost to ourselves and our soul purpose. Or, maybe I should say, our sole purpose…and that is to experience joy and love. Our heart desires lead us toward our callings and we meet people who can assist us in the experiences of joy and love…or to help guide us back to those places. As we experience joy and love, we radiate outward our acceptance and appreciation for everything this world offers us…including the “bad stuff” as a guidepost of contrast.
Without a strong sense of self-worth, though, the world becomes a battlefield of threats, enemies, or opponents of some sort. The worst offender, however, is the one in the mirror. That person never measures up, passes the test, or stays the course…of perfection. Ego-based perfection. The ego’s version of perfection is quite different from the higher self’s. The ego is never satisfied with our skills, talents, or appearance. The ego distorts them to find fault, room for improvement, something new to hate, criticize, and tear down.
Today…and every day you can, take some time to let go of the ego’s relentless demands…and see yourself again as the beautiful soul wrapped in human being you are. Love yourself…like your angels do…with the energy of healing, compassion, and true understanding. This life is a gift…a gift to yourself and a gift to the world. xo